CLASS: WHY NOT ARTIFICERS?

Artificers are a class that I have worked over a couple times, in my usual "nobody's picking this one to play so I will keep ramping up the stuff it can do until somebody picks it" way. The end result is maybe overpowered but game balance is for COWARDS.

 

ARTIFICER

(art by Angelique Shelley and Igor Kieryluk)

HIT DICE: D6 

ATTACK BONUS: +1 

Artificers get +1 to Fortitude saves. 

Artificers can use all simple weapons and firearms. 

Artificers can wear leather armor. 

Artificers can recognize magical devices on sight. They can dismantle or reconfigure magical items given tools and time (and a roll on the Artificer Jury-Rigging table). Artificers add their INT bonus to this roll. (1)

Artificers can pick locks and disarm traps (even magical ones) given tools and time. (2)

Artificers begin with a construct, either a servo or a thopter. Artificers can see through the eyes of their construct if they concentrate. (3)

Artificers know alchemy. They begin with one random alchemical formula. Artificers can learn more alchemical formulae by performing research during downtime, raiding the labs of rival alchemists, or drinking unknown potions. (4)

Artificers can attempt to invent new magical devices starting at level 7. (5)

 

 

1. Artificers are encouraged to screw around with any magical items the PCs find. This roll is penalized if the artificer is rushing or in danger or has no tools.

2. This is like the thief ability except artificers can attempt to pick magical locks too.

3. I pinched this from riggers in Shadowrun. Artificers get a little robo-buddy that follows their commands. Constructs will get their own post but briefly servos are little metal dudes and thopters are little metal flying machines.

4. I'll put the alchemy rules another time (plus all the other stuff I have to put up "another time") whenever I have them in a legible form. Mostly this feature is included to encourage artificers to drink the random potions they find.

5. So an artificer should be able to BUILD new magic items right? Yeah, but uh I never got around to doing anything with that. So I kicked it down the road for another day. My vague ideas for creating new magic items is cribbed from the mad scientist invention rules from old school Deadlands. An artificer will need to spend a variable amount of time and money plus have the necessary magical resources to craft an item. It won't be the kind of thing they can do on the fly (that's what the Jury-Rigging table is for), it'll be more of a downtime activity.

ARTIFICER JURY-RIGGING

d10

1. Explode: Oops! The device explodes, dealing damage to everything in the area. (Amount of damage and blast radius determined by the DM, based on the size and power of the device.)

2. Summon: You've disrupted the arcane energies inside the device, cracking open a rift in reality and letting something weird slither through. The DM will determine what kind of creature appears, but it won't be friendly. (Also the device is ruined.)

3. Melt: The device melts into a puddle of hot slag, potentially damaging anyone and anything touching it.

4. De-Powered: Welp, it's ruined. The device no longer has any magical function.

5. Short-Circuit: A small burst of arcane electricity zaps you for d4 damage.

6-7. Overcharged: You overclocked it! For the next hour, any hard impact makes the device explode.

8-9. Improved: Nice! The device now functions better than before. Whatever it did, it now does it better. (DM will determine specifics.)

10. Eureka! Hell yeah! You've discovered an entirely new function of the device. The DM has the final say on what the new function is but it'll be something good.

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Notes: Some Wizards

POETS OF SILENT CONTEMPT: Wizard order, all members cut out their tongues. Their casting style is all hand gestures & sneers, primarily counterspells & anti-magic. Total dicks.

KAUL PYROMANCERS: Their fire spells burn away other wizards' spells, which they can then cast themselves. Faces are half-fire and they only wear bright orange. 

PRIME ARSONIST: The leader of the Kaul pyromancers. Her hands are made of magic fire, can reach out with them stretchy-style up to thirty feet. Immune to fire/heat, any such spells cast in her presence are boosted. 

BLUE LORE: Wizards of the Blue can leave spell slots empty whenever preparing spells. If a spell cast within (INT yards) of them they can copy that spell and put it in an empty spell slot if it's lower than their level. Blue wizards can only speak in questions or they lose this ability.

HIGH INQUISITIVE: The arch-wizard of the Blue. He has the usual Blue Lore ability, and also has a glass hand with a touch attack: victim must save or replace each prepared spell with a random spell.  

DEMENTAMANCERS: Purple & black cloaked wizards. They drain thoughts & mental/psychic energy to power their spells. They have INT attacks, hallucinations, save or psychosis effects. Their mouths are stitched shut, and they only communicate telepathically & through talking mutant homunculi. Not exactly evil but unwholesome. 

HARBINGER OF THE CLOCKWORK: Bald wizard with blue skin & three arms. He has oracular visions of the extradimensional Clockwork that obsess and compel him. Attempts to convert all visitors to Clockwork worship and/or replace their flesh and viscera with clockwork. 

SPIRE OF THE JUST & RIGHTEOUS LADY: This incredibly tall tower is the seclusium of the JRL. She's trying to become god for research purposes, and collects divine trappings. She's created dozens of false angels as servants. Next step: converting worshipers. 

TEMPLE OF ARCANE RESCUE: The Spacemongers are worldly wizard-clerics. If you pay their subscription fees you get a glass talisman, break it and you're instantly safely teleported to their temple. Price goes up with each use. 

JALIRA'S TOMB: resting place of Jalira, long dead wizard with a weird/annoying sense of humor. The tomb is simple, quiet, no treasure. When you leave you magically switch genders for a week. 

OMNISSIMUS THE STAGGERING: A powerful mad biomancer, super cheerful. Its sanctum is built of stained glass & wood. It creates new life in its garden-laboratory by splicing things into plants & letting them grow. 

THE PUPPET MASTER: Cruel wizard, gets a sample of you then makes a puppet. By using the puppet he control your body & feel your senses (save to counteract for 24 hours). Lives in a mobile fortress on the back of giant puppet war-camel. Vindictive, hedonistic, cowardly. 

THE SWAMP PRINCESS: The wizard of the Salt Swamps. Self-styled royalty, she commands the inbred locals & were-leeches. She wants to flood nearby kingdom and expand her territory. Can summon mosquito swarms & frog demons with her black iron cauldron.

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CLASS: ANTI-PALADIN

ANTI-PALADIN

 

(art by HrvojeBeslic and mindsiphon, both on DeviantArt)

 

HIT DICE: D8

ATTACK BONUS: +1

Anti-Paladins get +1 to Fortitude and Willpower saves.
Anti-Paladins can use all melee weapons and armor.
Anti-Paladins heal d4 hit points whenever they kill a mortal. (1)
Anti-Paladins can make Faith rolls to Command the Undead or Become the Nightmare. (2)
Anti-Paladins get a bonus to their Faith roll when they are committing atrocities, defiling or
desecrating that which is good or righteous, or terrorizing groups of the virtuous or innocent. (3)
Anti-Paladins start with a random Unholy Gift. (4)
Anti-Paladins get -2 to all rolls (except Faith) when they are in direct sunlight. (5)

Command The Undead: The Anti-Paladin can control (level)d6 HD worth of undead or raises (level)d6 HD of corpses as undead. (6)

Become the Nightmare: The Anti-Paladin changes form, becoming a shadowy wraith. Enemies must make a Morale check when they see the Anti-Paladin. The Anti-Paladin is immune to all attacks except magic and silver weapons in this form. The Anti-Paladin also adds their level to damage rolls. The Anti-Paladin can move at double speed and can fit through any opening that smoke or mist could fit through. This form lasts for a number of turns equal to d4 plus their level. (7)

1. This is the fun part of being an anti-paladin. Slaughter mortals, cull the weak and craven, feast on their wretched souls -- classic.

2. This is in the same vein as a paladin's roll. Anti-Paladins have Faith too, it's just in DARK AND TENEBROUS THINGS THAT SCREAM IN THE NIGHT. 

3. Also like paladins but with evil-ass thematic bonuses. Bonuses from Unholy Relics do apply.

4. Same as clerics and paladins mostly, but instead from the Unholy Gifts list below. I will probably grant more gifts as the anti-paladin levels up.

5. A flavorful disadvantage that is maybe too hindering? Nobody's complained yet.

6. Just like I patterned the paladin on Solars from Exalted, I did anti-paladins like Abyssals from Exalted. Anti-paladins are not undead but they are undead-adjacent and some necromancy powers fit them well.

7. This has been completely overpowered in play and I don't care because it's cool.

Unholy Gifts

 1. Bestial: You can turn into a wolf or snake for one hour a day.
 2. Hypnotic: Charisma goes straight to 18, or 20 if it's already 18.
 3. Nosferatu: You don't sleep, breathe, age, or have a reflection.
 4. Luck of the Devil: You can reroll any natural 1s you roll. If you roll another 1 then you keep that roll.
 5. Relentless: Your maximum hit points are immediately doubled.
 6. Unstoppable: Constitution goes straight to 18, or 20 if it's already 18.
 7. Fanatic: You get +1 to all rolls and your normal speed is doubled.
 8. Terrifying: Strength goes straight to 18, or 20 if it's already 18.
 9. Infernal: you are immune to any damage from fire or lightning.
10. Child of Darkness: You can see in pitch darkness.
11. Vile Blood: You are immune to all diseases & poisons.
12. Mark of Cain: Anyone that damages you in combat takes 1d4 damage.
13. Shadowed: You can turn invisible for (your level) rounds a day.
14. Dark Soul: You get a permanent +2 AC.
15. Arrogance: You can't be magically dominated, charmed or possessed.
16. Exalted: You can reroll any failed roll once a day.
17. Night Stalker: At night, you can fly at your walking speed.
18. Cold-Hearted: You are never afraid, and get an additional +2 to all saves.
19. The Devil's Own: You have damage reduction equal to your Wisdom modifier (minimum 1).

20. Chosen: The next time you die, you come back in 3 rounds, at full hit points.

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CLASS: PALADIN

PALADIN

(art by Tyler Jacobson and boota)

HIT DICE: D8

ATTACK BONUS: +1

Paladins get +2 to Fortitude saves.

Paladins can use all melee weapons and armor.

Paladins get a bonus to attack and damage rolls equal to their level against undead, demons, and their minions. (1)

Paladins can make a Faith roll to Blaze Like Heaven or Be The Hero. (2)

 

Paladins get a bonus to their Faith roll when they are hopelessly outnumbered, the last man standing, severely wounded, near death, or facing certain doom. (3)

Paladins can call down Divine Intervention. (4)

Paladins start with a random Holy Gift. (5)

Blaze Like Heaven: The Paladin glows brightly, lighting up the area like daylight. Enemies
must make a Morale check when they see the Paladin. The Paladin adds their level to attack and damage rolls and has damage reduction equal to twice their level. This form lasts for d4 plus their level turns. (6)

Be The Hero: The Paladin can perform an impossible feat of strength (lifting, pulling, pushing, jumping). (7)

1. Paladins are God's holy ass-kickers and they smite the unclean like it's their job (because it is). "Their minions" means like demonic cultists or devil-worshipers or a vampire's human servants.

2. This is just like a cleric's Faith roll and the abilities are described below. I haven't set a hard number to roll but it's usually high, 19 or 20 isn't out of the question. The paladin shouldn't be able to just use their Divine Ass-Kicking Powers over every little thing.

3. And anyway they get these sweet-ass thematic bonuses to their Faith roll. With my players these kinds of situations come up all the time. I also let paladins use Holy Relics for Faith bonuses like clerics do.

4. Same as clerics.

5. Also same as clerics, see the Clerics post for the list. I am toying with the idea that paladins get more random Holy Gifts as they level up.

6. This is heavily inspired by Solars from Exalted. The "add level to attack and damage" that the paladin gets against undead etc. now applies to every enemy, and it is a double bonus against undead etc. If the enemies fail their Morale check then they flee or cower or surrender.

7. The idea behind this is like a "Samson knocking down the temple, hurling massive boulders, bend bars / lift gates" kind of thing. I don't know how it plays out in our games because it has never come up so it's probably either too good or not good enough.

 

I don't force paladins to "act good" or anything like that. A paladin is free to be as ruthless and awful as, uh, every other PC. They're just more inclined to be self-righteous about it because when paladins do their murder-hobo thing across the countryside it's IN THE NAME OF GOD. It's not that paladins are "good guys" in our game, it's that they are champions of Law, which is usually confused with Good (in certain lights, if you squint) but is absolutely not the same thing. I haven't covered how we do alignments in our game yet because it's not a super big deal but I will in a later post. 

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RACE: GNOMES

Gnomes in our games are heavily influenced by two things: David the Gnome and the gnome artwork of Jakub Rozalski.

 GNOMES

 

(art by Pedro Krüger Garcia)
 

 

Gnomes get +1 to CON and +1 to WIS. (1)

Gnomes get +1 to Fortitude and Reflex saves. (1)

Gnomes are Small-sized. (2)

Gnomes get +2 to AC due to their size and quickness. (3)

Gnomes add their level as a bonus to all damage rolls. (4)

Gnomes have a +2 bonus to all climbing and jumping rolls. (5)

Gnomes can talk to wild animals. (6)

1. Gnomes are quick, tough, and wily. You have to be when everything is bigger than you and wants to eat you.

2. Most PC races are Medium or at least Medium enough that it doesn't rate any rules considerations. Gnomes are Small. In game terms that means they have half as many inventory slots as another character with the same Strength (so if the gnome has a STR of 16 she only has 8 slots). In practical terms gnomes have to use equipment that is sized for them, although I have never actually let this be a big problem at the table. Also a Small creature is supposed to get an AC bonus against Large-sized or bigger enemies but, uh, I always forget that.

3. Part of the reason I forget the Small-guy AC bonuses is because this one is baked in for gnomes.

4. This is why gnomes have survived living in a world where they have to worry about getting eaten by feral cats or badgers or owls. Because these little bastards are vicious.

5. I have tinkered with this one for a long time, I settled on a plain +2 for now.

6. Gnomes can speak the language of wild animals (like normal animals, not displacer beasts). This isn't "charm wild animals" or "tame wild animals" but it can help if that's what you're trying to do.

 

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CLASS: BARBARIAN! SMASH! CRUSH! KILL!

 BARBARIAN

 

(art by Maciej Kuciara and D. Alexander Gregory)

 

HIT DICE: D12

ATTACK BONUS: +1 for every turn of combat until the fighting is finished. (1)

Barbarians get +2 to Fortitude saves and +1 to Reflex saves. 

Barbarians can use simple weapons. 

Barbarians add their STR bonus to their AC. (2)

Barbarians deal double damage when they are at half hit points or lower. (3)

They deal triple damage when they are at 1 hit point or lower. (3)

Barbarians are not downed at 0 hit points or lower. (4)

Barbarians get a bonus to climbing, jumping, and swimming rolls equal to their level. (5)

 

1. A barbarian's attack bonus starts at plain old +1. But then! It goes up by 1 every turn of combat. Combat lasts 10 turns? That's a +10 attack bonus. There is no upper limit because THEIR RAGE IS INFINITE. "Until fighting is finished" is a vague term but it should be pretty obvious when combat is over.

2. Base unarmored AC starts at 12 (LotFP-style). So a barbarian's AC is generally between 12 and 15. Good thing they have the biggest hit dice.

3. This plus the increasing attack bonus is how we do "barbarian rage" in our games. Lower than 1 hit point is possible not just because of the next barbarian ability but also because a PC can be at 0 hp and still functioning under specific conditions (see the next bullet).

4. Most PCs are incapacitated at 0 or fewer hit points. The way we do healing and first aid means you can be at 0 hp and still do stuff, but at a -4 penalty. I'll cover all that stuff in another post. For now just know that a barbarian at less than 0 hit points is dying but not all the way dead until they hit "negative Constitution" (so like if their Constitution score is 15 then they are dead-dead at -15 hit points). They also don't get the -4 penalty to actions at 0 or fewer hit points. (I gotta post the death and dying rules so this all makes more sense.)

5. This seems pretty useful and also I don't think it has ever come up. My players never read their own character sheets.

 

 

 

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ART & SONG & CULTURE & SHIT

Here's more of my scattered ideas. These are pieces of art or songs to sprinkle the game world with. I like art as treasure, it adds to the game in a way that "you find 20 gold pieces" doesn't. I also like to put named songs that "everybody knows" in for color. I have no musical talent so there's no original melodies or anything, mostly we find something on YouTube and waste game time doing bad song parodies.

"THE BALLAD OF THE BLOODY BREWERS": A classic Dwarven drinking song with magical properties. If it's sung heartily by drunk people carrying weapons then everyone that hears the singing becomes drunk too (Will save to resist).

CHORD OF DISHARMONY: A song-spell created by Sabra the Snake. If played on an instrument of ruby & bone, anyone hearing it must save or attack their allies.

“THE FAILURES OF PIETY”: Oil on canvas, depicts a laughing red demon amidst hellfire & burning clergy and paladins. Servants of evil covet it, legend says the owner will have the favor of hell. Owning or obtaining the painting is always associated with trails of bodies, assassins, poison, slaughter -- the usual wages of evil. The painting itself is just a painting & Hell has no taste for art.

“DREAMS OF THE UNDERWORLD”: 11 line poem, overwrought & melodramatic like a moody teenager wrote it. Written long ago by a failed necrosage candidate before she was thrown into the Abyssal Labyrinth. Anti-Paladins reading or hearing it will think it fucking rules & continuously weep black tears for 24 hours afterward, they'll also get +2 to their attack bonus and armor class.

"THE FISTS OF SIR FOWLER": Rollicking pub song ostensibly about a knight that likes to punch people, most of the lyrics are just nonsense words. If sung by someone riding a drunk horse then all who hear the singing must save or begin punching themselves in the face. (This is pretty dumb and I love it.) 

TAPESTRY OF THE BATTLE OF KELVDOK: Beautiful, richly detailed tapestry depicting famous long-ago battle between elves & dwarves. Worth 30000 gold pieces to an art collector, or 7000 if damaged. Any dwarves or elves within that get a good look at it must save or attack nearest elf (for dwarves) or dwarf (for elves) until they're dead or attacker is unconscious. If the enemy species isn't nearby then no obvious effect until they are.

"THE ENIGMA OF SELF": Interactive art piece by long-dead cleric. It's a circular chamber with a polished floor covered in white and purple concentric lines. Clerics & paladins praying here for at least two hours gain +2 to all saves for next 24 hours as long as they (and their player) only refer to themselves in the 3rd person.

“A VISION OF COSMIC HORROR”: Crude sculpture by unknown Slavic artist, depicting an amorphous hairy creature with multiple eyes, mouths, & tongues that are also hands. The first time you view it you get a horrifying vision of your own cosmic insignificance. You get +1 Wisdom and -1 Constitution permanently.

I have no idea who Sabra the Snake is or what exactly you have to do to become a necrosage. I do have house rules for drunk PCs because my players are incorrigible dirtbags so we'll get to those another time.

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RACE: HALF-ORC BUT ALL-BADASS

 HALF-ORC

 

(art by unknown artist and meteorite8 respectively)

Half-Orcs get +2 to STR. (1)

Half-Orcs +2 to Fortitude saves. (1)

Half-Orcs get +2 additional hit points at every level. (1)

Half-Orcs have a +1 bonus to attack rolls made with axes. (2)

Half-Orcs can smell spilled blood within 100 feet. (3)

Half-Orcs can see in the dark as if it were daylight in anything but total darkness. (3)

Half-Orcs are immune to magical fear effects. (4)

Half-Orcs deal triple maximum damage whenever they roll a critical hit. (5)

Half-Orcs may start with a random Greenskin Quirk. If they do, they get -1 Charisma and -1 Wisdom. (6)

1. Half-Orcs are beasts.

2. Half-Orcs are brutal.

3. Half-Orcs are metal.

4. Half-Orcs don't give a shit. Yes, this is the same ability that halflings have, so when the Deathlord Iron Mouth of Hell uses his Gaze of Crippling Horror on the party, only the halfling and the half-orc will be left standing.

5. We do critical hits like this: a natural 20 on an attack roll means you do double the maximum damage for the weapon you're using. Half-Orcs do that but even more so.

6. Some Half-Orcs are more orky than others. This option is available once at character creation (but I would probably let the player take it once at any time they gained a level, this represents their orc heritage coming out). They roll on the table provided below and get a weird power befitting their goblinoid heritage. The tradeoff is greener blood means it's harder to get along in polite society.

 

 

GREENSKIN QUIRKS

So I'm pretty sure I got the majority of this table from someone else's blog but for the life of me I can't find it, I think maybe it was Goblin Punch. Sorry original creator, please let me know who you are and I will tell the world. Also go read Goblin Punch anyway.

EDIT: Found it! It's from Against the Wicked City, another blog you should read.

 

1 Firebug: You can intuitively work out what the most effective way to destroy a building or object with fire. You take half damage from fire and are unaffected by smoke inhalation.

2 Biter: You have a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth, which you can use to chew through wood, ropes, etc. Your bite does d4 plus your Strength modifier in damage.

3 Rubbery: You can jump 20 feet straight up from a standing start. You take half damage from falling.

4 Coward: You gain a +4 bonus to AC when running away and screaming.

5 Bottomfeeder: You can eat anything organic as a ration, even if it's spoiled.

6 Eelskin: You're slick and slippery like an eel. Anyone grabbing or grappling you is at a -2 penalty, and you can make an electric shock touch attack once a day for d6 damage.

7 Fungal Blood: As long as you're not in direct sunlight, you regenerate d4 hit points an hour.

8 Hyperactivity: Once a day you can go completely hyper for d6 rounds, moving at double your normal speed and attacking twice per round.

9 Lunatic: Your mind is so twisted that it's very difficult for other people to control. You are immune to mind-affecting powers and spells. Also you're utterly batshit.

10 Mushroom Mystic: Pick a Wizard spell. You can cast this spell once per day, but only when you're stoned out of your head on hallucinogenic mushrooms.

11 Persistent Freak: Whenever you die, you can permanently reduce a random ability score by d4 to instantly come back to life at d4 plus your level hit points.

12 Poison Spit: Your saliva is so poisonous that you can envenom any edged weapon by licking the blade. The next person stabbed with it must save vs. poison or suffer d6 days of horrible, incapacitating sickness with penalties to all their rolls.

13 Sneaky: As long as you're not overencumbered, you can move as soundlessly as a snail.

14 Spider Climb: As long as you're not overencumbered, you can swarm up walls and crawl along ceilings like a fucking spider. This ability won't work on completely smooth surfaces.

15 Stab Frenzy: When you hit someone in combat with a dagger, you may immediately attempt to stab them again, with a -1 penalty to hit and damage; if you hit again you can attack a third time (with an additional -1 to hit and damage, for -2 total), and so on until you either miss, hit but inflict 0 damage, or kill them. You can only use this ability while screaming incoherently.

16 Stench: You straight-up stink. Anyone in close combat with you gets -2 to their attack roll.

17 Substance Abuse: You gain +2 to-hit and damage in melee while drunk and/or high.

18 Vandalism: You have a near-supernatural ability to destroy inanimate objects. As long as you're bashing things hysterically while screaming your head off, you gain +4 to Strength rolls for the purposes of breaking things only.

19 Ugly: Even for a greenskin, you are exceedingly hideous. You can make a Morale attack against anyone that can see you. You get -2 to all reaction rolls.

20 Roll twice on this table and take both quirks. If you roll another 20 do it again. Yes, with a string of 20s you could conceivably end up with EVERY QUIRK ON HERE. That's some green-ass blood you got there.

 

 

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Wondrous Things

As I discussed in my wizard post, I like my sorcery to be twisted and dangerous. I don't like magic to be just a different kind of technology. Having said that, we also have artificers in our game, which is a class that literally mixes magic with technology. I SEE NO PROBLEM WITH THIS.

Here's an assortment of artificer gadgets for players to find. (And I'll get the artificer class posted soon.)

SNAVEEN'S DILIGENT MAGICAL MECHANISMS: This is a brass treasure chest, and inside you'll find: shears, a needle with thread, a handsaw, a hammer, and a broom. Scratched into the lid is the word JOVAKU. If you open the chest and say this command word the tools will animate, hover in the air under their own power, and flit about doing chores and being generally useful. They will return to box when the second command word is spoken (ZALINGVU -- this word was written on a piece of parchment and stuffed in the chest but now it's nowhere to be found). If the second word isn't spoken within 10 minutes the tools will do increasingly harmful/deadly "chores".

SHANG SHANG'S BITTER EYE: A fist-sized multifaceted crystal. If held by a living hand the crystal emits a disintegration ray (2d6 damage, ignores non-magical armor) every turn automatically at any fungal monsters, giant insects, and/or halflings (Shang Shang the Artificer hated all those things in particular). The crystal melts away into a puddle if exposed to 1)moonlight 2)salt water 3)the sound of church bells 4)flower petals 5)elf blood 6)poetry.

JALIRA'S LAST JEST: A finely crafted glass frog filled with a shimmering blue liquid. Smash the frog open and every humanoid creature within d6 miles polymorphs into a blue frog for d4 hours (or d4 minutes with a Fortitude save).

ZEBERO'S AFFIXABLE WINGS: A matched pair of small brown bird wings. When applied to a living creature, they meld to it and grow to a proportionate size. The creature can now fly, free and clear like a bird. They also swap 2 points of Strength for 2 points of Dexterity as bones and tendons change shape. They must eat a dozen fresh bird eggs every day or the wings rot and fall off.

MALTROBIAN'S POCKET ARMOR: A dull silver ring. Anyone wearing it can turn the ring three times and it will transform into ornate silver armor. This armor is magical, gives +5 AC, only adds 1 to encumbrance, and can be used by anyone without any armor training. The armor turns back into a ring after 2d4 turns, then it must be recharged by soaking in wine for 12 hours.

JALIRA'S MYSTICAL MUDDLER: A lavender egg-shaped device, surprisingly heavy. Any spell cast within line of sight of the Muddler becomes a Create Duck spell instead: the original spell is countered and a perfectly ordinary duck appears. The Muddler has 2d6 charges left in it, after they run out it crumbles to dust.

DARMISH'S COSMIC COLLECTION: The exquisite personal collection of the Space Wizard. It's like a science fair plus an antique store. Room-sized models of celestial bodies show events transpiring on them, although you need powerful magnification to see it. (This is just one of the things in the Collection; this is really more like its own adventure than one gadget.)

CORWELLIAN'S SPECTRAL CLOAK: A heavy silvery-blue cloak. Anyone wearing it can levitate at will, gets +3 AC, and is invisible in dim light if they remain stationary. It used to be in the personal collection of Punzo the Grasping, but it was pilfered by thieves decades ago. Punzo will murder your whole family to get it back.

MAESTRO LUCA'S ENERVATING PEPPER: Maestro Luca was a culinary enchanter who created many kitchen sorceries. This gold & ebony pepper mill can be used as a melee weapon (d6 damage) or the handle can be wound up like a regular pepper mill. The mystical pepper it produces causes uncontrollable sneezing on contact. The device never runs out of pepper.

MUZZO'S MAGNIFICENT MODULAR MAN: A platinum clockwork golem, vaguely humanoid in appearance. If you touch it and make a successful Intelligence roll the golem will change into a mechanical version of whatever creature you were thinking of. It will obey the spoken commands of anyone with an Intelligence of 15 or higher. If there's no such person around to command it, the golem will try to retreat and hide. It will viciously attack if cornered or trapped.

I like these kinds of magical items that are of questionable utility and generate entertainment at the table. (I also like giving them Jack Vance-style flowery names.) The wise course of action when you find strange items in the wild is to leave them alone but my players are more curious than wise.

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CLASS: RANGERS

Time to move into the secondary-but-still-classic-feeling classes. 

RANGER

 

 (art by bryuenart and Yuzuo Dong respectively)

 

HIT DICE: D8 

ATTACK BONUS: +1 / Ranger level +1 for ranged or thrown weapons 

Rangers get +2 to Fortitude saves. 

Rangers can use simple and martial weapons. (1)

Rangers can wear chainmail and leather armor. (2)

Rangers get a bonus to attack rolls equal to their level when using ranged or thrown weapons. (3)

Rangers get a bonus to tracking and trapping rolls equal to their level. (4)

Rangers can attempt to calm and tame wild animals. (5)

Rangers begin with an animal companion. (6)

When taking a long rest, rangers are always considered to be resting in at least "Good" conditions. (7)

Rangers can move silently at half speed, or at normal speed with a Dexterity roll. (8)

 

1. Simple weapons are like swords and bows and martial weapons are fancy, complex, or difficult things like great swords and crossbows. (I still haven't posted that equipment list.) Basically rangers can use any weapon that isn't a firearm.

2. No bulky heavy plate armor for rangers.

3. So fighters get an attack bonus that increases with their level. This is because fighters do this shit for a living. The only other class that I give this level-based attack bonus to is rangers, and only for ranged and thrown weapons. "Thrown weapons" is stuff that's meant to be thrown or at least makes sense as a thrown weapon, like shuriken or knives. I suppose certain spears could fit this definition but that doesn't seem very rangery. I'd probably let a player get away with it if they were doing something cool.

4. This is pretty broad but I don't have any hard and fast tracking or trapping rules. Tracking or trapping usually involves an Intelligence or Wisdom roll -- anybody can try it but rangers excel at it.

5. No "official" rules for this either but you'll need a little time and a Charisma roll, maybe offer some treats or pull a thorn from a paw. I'm pretty lenient with this as long as the player isn't annoying about it. It helps if the animal isn't hostile, I won't say the ranger can't try to befriend a rampaging bear but it'll be a lot harder. It's also harder to calm / tame fantastical creatures like griffins or owlbears than it is plain old moose or warthogs.

6. Classic ranger stuff. Your animal companion will be a "normal" animal, like a wolf or panther or eagle or something and not a cockatrice or displacer beast. I'll give you whatever stats for it I think are neat. You can sort of order your companion around but you don't control it exactly -- it won't do anything obviously suicidal and it won't put up with you mistreating it. Also it's clever but it's an animal, it can't read or do algebra or anything like that. If it dies, that sucks, you're a terrible pet owner. You'll have to go out and tame a new friend. (This will take a little time and effort but I won't be a jerk about it.)

7. I'll put the full rules up later but this is the "eating and resting to regain hit points" stuff we use in our game. It is heavily appropriated from the excellent blog Ten Foot Polemic which you should definitely be reading if you like this blog (or even if you don't). The gist of this is that rangers can rest comfortably in any rough or wild conditions just fine and they recover hit points accordingly. 

8. This is the same as the thief ability. Rangers are excellent stalkers.

That's the ranger we use in our games. You'll see there's not a "two-weapon fighter" option, I'm not against that but I don't want it enough to include it. You will also see that rangers don't get any magic at higher levels, which is a thing in a lot of rules sets. We don't do magical rangers in our game. (But they can get totem spirits, which is something I will write up much later after I, um, finish the rules on what a totem spirit does.)

 

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RACE: HUMANS

HUMAN

(art by Bob Kehl and, uh, from Pathfinder, I couldn't find a name)

 

Humans get +1 to all ability scores. (1)

Humans get +1 to all saves. (1)

 

1. Yes this is all pretty hefty, but it's for a reason. My players never want to play humans because they are "boring" and I get it. Other races have cool abilities or flavor and humans are just the generic default. So I beef them up. My philosophy is "if it ain't fun, break it 'til it is" (which not a particularly good or even logical philosophy but I can get away with dumb shit like this because I am the Dungeon Master not the Dungeon Unpaid Intern). It fits with our conception of humans in the game world too: humans are the ubiquitous majority because while they're not the best at anything, as a species they're at least sort of good at everything.


The secret perk that humans get during game play is what we have termed "human privilege." Most places in-game are majority human, so non-humans are some combination of mistrusted, feared, hated, persecuted, or treated as second class citizens. When the city guards show up because the party is brawling in the streets, there's a good chance they will walk right past the humans waving swords around and arrest the elf who was just minding her own business. Castle dungeons are primarily filled with demihumans because there's no justice. I also call this the "infravision tax" (which is a term I feel like I didn't come up with but I don't know who did).


And with that I have posted the classic four and four. Humans, elves, dwarves, and halflings are the classic races and fighters, thieves, clerics, and wizards are the classic classes. My players and I agree that a game that didn't lean heavily on these basics wouldn't really feel dungeon-y or dragon-y enough. I'm down with whatever anybody else does in their consenting-adults game, this is just how we do ours.

 

The next races and classes I will be posting are more along the lines of "oh shit, you know what else would be cool?" Also I have some optional customizable stuff for races and classes (not table-tested) that I will be putting up later on.

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CLASS: OH NO WIZARDS

The main thing to know about wizards in our games is that we use the Lamentations of the Flame Princess Weird Magic System from Vaginas Are Magic and Eldritch Cock. (Listen, once you get past the stupid titles you'll see that the spellcasting rules are metal as hell, like vicious putrid church-burning death metal.) I have slightly modified the rules as written but the basics are: there's no spell levels, so all spells are available right from first level (spells usually scale up with higher levels); you can only safely cast a number of spells equal to your level each day and after that you risk a Miscast (which is a Bad Thing); every spell is named for a metal song (I get if that doesn't matter to you but I think it's fantastic); and the spells are weird, dark, powerful, and generally fucked up. 

 

See, we don't roll with the "magic is just a different form of technology" that I think underlies a lot of dungeon-y games. Magic is terrifying and chaotic and horrible. Good, upstanding, law-abiding people do not do magic. And that's why everybody knows wizards are not to be trusted, because wizards do magic. 

 

Wizards in our game are not clever people in funny hats who studied fantastical languages to read glowing spellbooks so they could cast Feather Fall. Wizards are fucking weird, like unhealthy and sweaty and "maybe a serial killer" weird. Sure, a wizard might be charming or compelling in an unwholesome sort of way but it's with the understanding that one day they might decide that your skin is just they thing they need to try a new spell they learned from a demon. 

WIZARD

(art by Julia Kovalyova and Shar'ya Ardat)

 

HIT DICE: D4

ATTACK BONUS: +1

Wizards get +2 to Willpower saves.

Wizards can use simple weapons. (1)

Wizards start with two random spells. (2)

Wizards can safely cast a number of spells equal to their level each day. After that, they risk

a Miscast. (3)

Wizards gain new spells by discovering spellbooks or scrolls, learning them from demons or other powerful magical creatures, rolling a natural 20 on a Miscast save, and/or eating the brains of other wizards. (4)

 
1. Yup, no armor. Wizards are not trained in any kind of armor so wearing any means they're overencumbered per our house rules.

2. The "random" part is not true in practice. I usually let my players pick their spells because they gravitate toward the more entertaining ones. I use almost all of the published LotFP Weird Magic spells (sometimes with slight modifications to fit our play style and house rules) as well as some that I came up with myself.

3. Miscasting is a big deal, the potential consequences usually involve instant death and/or instant total party kill. You'd think the person playing the wizard would avoid Miscasting whenever possible right? Not my players, they push Miscasts all the time because we crave death. We use Miscast rules that are slightly modified from the original and I've put them below. Each spell has it's own d6 Miscast results table (this is also different from the LotFP rules).

4. This is why wizards go adventuring. You find the best weird stuff in old dungeons and crypts and temples. Rolling a 20 on a Miscast save represents the wizard's brain opening up to the totality of howling chaos and having a twisted new insight drop into their brain like a slippery toad. And the "learning spells by eating wizard brains" thing is my own idea that I am especially fond of. Now whenever there's two wizards in the party and an enemy spellcaster is defeated they always end up fighting over who gets to eat the brains. And I couldn't be prouder!

 

 

WEIRD MAGIC 

(adapted from Lamentations of the Flame Princess so if you like this then go buy that)

 

NO SPELL LEVELS  All spells are considered equally difficult, and a spell’s power is determined by the wizard’s level. The wizard doesn't have to cast a spell at full power; she may decide to cast it at a lower level of power.

CASTING SPELLS  Wizards have one spell slot per level each day that they can use at no penalty. They can cast every spell they know once, or one spell multiple times, or any combination thereof, as long as they don’t hit their casting limit.

MISCASTING  When one of the following conditions is met, the wizard must make a Will save with a difficulty of 13 (Intelligence modifier applies). On a failure, roll on the spell's Miscast table. Spells can't be ended early or "turned off" on a Miscast. Every additional valid condition means a –1 penalty on the saving throw.

- Casting a spell after the level-based casting limit has been reached. This is a cumulative -1 penalty for every spell over the wizard's daily level limit.
- Casting a spell while over-encumbered.
- Casting a spell while at one-quarter hit points or lower.
- Casting a spell while intoxicated.

Miscast results are rolled after the spell takes effect. Results are rolled by the DM and revealed only when the characters involved become aware of the consequences.
Wizards may miscast on purpose, but the player may never choose the Miscast result.

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RACE: HALFLINGS

My players came around to dungeon games along a route that was heavily influenced by Lord of the Rings, so they love halflings.

HALFLING

 

 

(art from the Pathfinder books because I couldn't find any other I liked)

Halflings get +2 to DEX. (1)

 

Halflings get +1 to Reflex and Fortitude saves. (1)

 

Halflings get +1 AC due to their size and quickness. (1)

 

Halflings are immune to magical fear effects. (2)

 

Halflings can reroll natural 1s. (3)

 

Halflings heal extra hit points when eating and/or resting. (4)

 

1. Halflings are nimble and stout little bastards and these things reflect that.

 

2. This trait and the next one are the things our group has agreed are what makes wizards seek out halflings for world-changing quests. Halflings can get scared, but it's just "regular" scared and not "the Deathlord's pervasive Bleak Aura of Dread chills your bones, make a Will save or drown in the horror of your soul's inevitable oblivion as his skeletal minions devour your warm flesh" scared.

 

3. This is the big guns. Halflings can fail a roll but they never botch a roll, and yes they can keep rerolling even if they get another 1 on the d20. Seems broken? I don't care, game balance is for COWARDS. (This doesn't apply to damage rolls when you roll a 1, sorry my players but halflings are lucky and brave not murdergods.)

 

4. I owe a lot of my house rules to Ten Foot Polemic, his Unified House Rule Document and blog posts are what I have stolen from been inspired by the most. Basically if I am doing something neat and clever rules-wise then I probably got the idea from his blog originally (sorry not sorry but do read his blog, it's great). Anyway he has rules for recovering hit points that are tied to eating rations and sleeping conditions that I use in our games. I'll share my dumbed-down version another time but the important part here is that when PCs regain HP for eating or resting, halflings get more HP out of it.

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RACE: OKAY, FINE. ELVES.

Elves are okay but they've never been my favorite. My players and I agree it wouldn't really feel like a proper dungeon-y game without Tolkien-style elves in it. I have been kicking around a version of elves that is more Fae and weird and otherworldly but that's for another day. Anyway here's these pointy-eared bastards.

ELF

(artwork by Astri Lohne and Han Peng respectively)

Elves get +1 to DEX, +1 to INT, and +1 to CHA. (1)

Elves get +2 to Reflex saves. (1)

Elves have a +1 bonus to attack rolls made with bows. (1)

Elves are immune to magical sleep and mind control effects. (1)

Elves can see in the dark as if it were daylight as long as there is any moonlight, starlight, or light produced by living things. (1)

Elves can sense invisible beings and hidden or secret doors, passages, and trails with a Wisdom roll. (1)

Elves are immune to magical charm, sleep, and paralysis effects. (1)

Elves can reroll failed rolls to resist diseases and magical aging effects. (1)

If an Elf is even slightly obscured by foliage, heavy rain, falling snow, mist, or other natural conditions they will be undetectable to mundane senses as long as they don't move at more than half speed. (1)

 

1. All this stuff feels Elf-y and neat.

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CLASS: THE DEVIL-PUNCHING CLERIC

I haven't done a list of "fantasy deities for my elf game" so when somebody plays a cleric in our games they are specifically clerics of a more-or-less Medieval Catholic-ish Church and a nominally Judeo-Christian God. I'm not looking to exclude or offend anybody with that choice, it's just that the Middle Ages-style Church is metal as hell. SUFFER NOT THE WITCH TO LIVE! KILL THEM ALL AND GOD WILL KNOW HIS OWN! PURGE THE BLASPHEMER! THE INQUISITION! ETERNAL DAMNATION! Also we pretty explicitly have THE ACTUAL PRINCE OF DARKNESS, THE NO-SHIT DEVIL in our games (maybe too often?) and it just all ties together too well. I understand if your mileage varies on this point but my players are all godless reprobates and I don't think they'd really enjoy themselves if they couldn't have some old fashioned Hail Satan's in their game.

 

 

 CLERIC

(artwork by unknown artist & Ekaterina Burmak respectively)

 

HIT DICE: D8

ATTACK BONUS: +1

Clerics get +2 to all saves. (1)

Clerics can use simple weapons and armor.

Clerics can use Bless, Cure, Heal, and Purify once a day each. (2) Each daily use after the first requires a Faith roll. (3)

Clerics can Turn or Exorcise the undead. (4)

Clerics can call down Divine Intervention. (5)

Clerics start with one random Holy Gift. (6)

1. Seems like a lot, but to me it fits the idea of the cleric as specially blessed.

 

2. Here's the meat of the class. (The individual abilities are described below.) So there's a trend in dungeon-y RPGs where a lot of classes are really just "a different kind of wizard" and that's not for me. I want each class to feel like it does something unique. In our games clerics don't have a list of cleric spells, instead they have their specific cleric-y things that they can do. Their four main ones start from level one -- there are theoretically more that open up at higher levels but none of my players has ever played a high level cleric (actually only one person has ever played a cleric). The higher level powers would (probably) include Smite, Consecrate, Commune, and Resurrect.

 

3. The Faith roll is the all-inclusive "summon your God powers!" roll for clerics and they add their Charisma modifier to the roll (I go back and forth on if they should add Charisma or Wisdom but lately I've stuck with Charisma.) The difficulty of the roll is, uh, whatever I say it is at the time. I generally like having loose target numbers to beat that I can judge on the fly instead of a hard table of numbers, this lets me have a rules dial I can tweak to keep a game moving along and maintain the fun / drama / insanity that our game sessions become. I do expect Faith rolls to be a little difficult though. Also I stole some stuff from DCC and filed the serial numbers off for Faith rolls: every time you roll a 1 on a Faith roll you fail and you suffer Divine Disapproval (there's a table for this I'll post another time), also every time you fail a Faith roll (even if it's just a regular failure) your Disapproval range moves up 1 (so after your first failure you risk Disapproval on a 1 or 2). Your Disapproval range resets to 1 every day. You can get a bonus to a Faith roll by possessing powerful sacred relics, sacrificing treasure, and/or scourging your unworthy flesh (a small bonus for losing hit points, a bigger bonus for losing ability score points, a big-ass bonus for permanently maiming yourself).

 

4. Clerics need a holy symbol for this, no roll is needed; instead the undead make a morale roll on 2d6 according to the rules below.

 

5. This is inspired by Blessed characters in old school Deadlands (I don't just steal ideas from Dungeon Crawl Classics!). Divine Intervention lets you do crazy, dramatic, Old Testament-style effects -- you tell me the DM what you want to happen and if it's suitably "I AM THE LORD THY GOD ALPHA AND OMEGA AND BEHOLD A PALE HORSE" then you A: sacrifice one whole level and B: make a Faith roll. (You can get bonuses to this Faith roll in the usual ways, so a player will probably do enough sacrificing etc. to get the max bonus to the roll and succeed at their mighty miracle, but that's ok because hey it's your levels you're losing). Success on the Faith roll means you get your Divine Intervention and THE RIVERS TURN TO BLOOD, or THE FIRSTBORN ARE SLAIN, or CATS AND DOGS LIVING TOGETHER, MASS HYSTERIA!

 

6. Another thing inspired by Deadlands Blessed characters. Clerics get to roll on the Holy Gifts table at first level and I think I let my one cleric roll again at level five, so a new random gift at every fifth level is probably a good ruling. Some of the gifts seem pretty powerful and that's because they are, game balance is for COWARDS. The Holy Gifts table is below. (And yes there is also an Unholy Gifts table but we'll get to that another time.)

Heal: By laying on hands the cleric can heal the target for 1d6 plus the cleric's level in hit points. A person can only receive this healing once a day. Clerics can't heal their own wounds. (The die size is supposed to increase at later levels but high level play is a vague area for my players on account of how much we crave death.)

Cure: By laying on hands the cleric can cure someone of a disease, infirmities like blindness, or magical afflictions like petrification or polymorphing. They can also restore the cleric's level in lost ability score points. Failing this roll means that thing can't be healed by that cleric. Clerics can't cure their own afflictions.

Bless: The recipient of the Blessing receives a bonus equal to the cleric's level on the next roll of the cleric's choosing. This roll can be as specific as the cleric wants. Clerics can't bless themselves. One Blessing per person at a time, Blessings last for one day.

Purify: Up to one day's worth of food and water is cleansed of poisons, toxins, and other harmful substances. One Purification is good for up to four people's rations for the day. (This has never come up, my players never think to worry about food or like dying of exposure when they go into a wilderness so they mostly steal or starve.)

Turn Undead: Clerics can turn away and rebuke undead monsters and ghosts and such with the power of their faith. By brandishing a holy symbol they can force the monster to make a Morale check (it's a 2d6 roll, modified by stuff like being on holy / unholy ground, is it like dawn on the Feast of Saint Magnus or midnight on All-Fiends' Eve, any necromantic meddling, etc.). If the cleric is three or more levels higher than the monster a failed Morale check means exorcism and instant destruction. Assume zombies/skeletons have Morale 4-6, ghouls/ghosts/vampires 6-8, more powerful vampires 8-10, liches 11-12.

Faith Bonus

Holy Relic: Certain sacred relics give a bonus to Faith rolls for as long as the cleric possesses the item. It'll be a small bonus and I'll probably only let you have one relic at a time but it'll be a bonus to every Faith roll you make. A saint's finger bone would give +1 and an actual shard of the True Cross would be +2. 

Sacrifices: By sacrificing unto God, a cleric can improve their Faith roll. Offerings of material wealth are typical. The wealth must be burned, melted down, donated to the needy, contributed to a temple, or otherwise relieved from the cleric's possession. It can be donated as part of a special rite or just hurled into the offering plate. The cleric gets +1 to their next Faith roll for every 100 gold (or equivalent) sacrificed.
Scourging: Clerics can also get a +1 bonus to their next Faith roll for every d4 damage they inflict on themselves, or +3 for every point of an ability score they sacrifice (by rending their flesh, peeling the skin off their faces, etc.; this is basically spellburn from DCC), or +5 or more if they permanently maim themselves (chop off an arm or leg, and no you can't get it healed later or you'll piss off God, He'll be all WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I MADE THE WORLD?!)

Holy Gifts

1. Beast Friend: You get +4 on reaction rolls with normal animals and they are generally friendly toward you unless attacked.

2. Charismatic: Charisma goes straight to 18, or 20 if it's already 18.

3. Mystical Hermit: You only need a single bite of food, a single sip of water, and one breath of air every (your level) days.

4. Divine Providence: You can reroll any natural 1s you roll. If you roll another 1 then you keep that roll.

5. Favored: You can reroll any failed roll once a day.
6. Guardian Spirit: You have damage reduction equal to your Wisdom modifier (minimum 1).
7. Endurance: Your maximum hit points are immediately doubled.
8. Humility: You can't be magically dominated, charmed or possessed.

9. Lion-Hearted: You are never afraid, and get an additional +2 to all saves.
10. Clear-Sighted: You can see through illusions and disguises automatically.
11. Perfect Faith: Demons and devils can't harm or affect you directly.
12. Prophet: Heaven will answer one yes-or-no question you ask once per day.
13. Great Soul: You get a permanent +2 AC.
14. Evangelical: You can speak, read, and write all mortal languages.
15. Vitality: You are immune to all diseases & poisons.
16. Wise: Wisdom goes straight to 18, or 20 if it's already 18.
17. Zeal: You get +1 to all rolls and your normal speed is doubled.
18. Mighty: Strength goes straight to 18, or 20 if it's already 18.
19. Touched By An Angel: You are immune to any damage from fire or lightning.
20. Chosen: The next time you die, you come back in 3 rounds, at full hit points.

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